This goes under the topics that are hard for me to admit. No one wants to admit to a flaw. So here it goes.
As in my previous post I said there was a third resolution.
I want to conquer my depression. Actually, I want the depression not to define me anymore.
This is not something I have wanted to talk about. But here it is. I have a diagnosis of Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Labels. I have labels. I hate these labels. There are good days and there are bad days. There are days that have been so dark for me that I felt that I would be better off dead.
It started in middle school. I was bullied bullied bullied beyond belief. I would come home crying everyday asking my mom if I could go to a different school. I was beat up on, books knocked out of my hands, hair pulled, threatened to be beat up, slammed against lockers by my throat. There were days I wanted to kill myself so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore. This is when depression entered my life.
My freshman year my mom moved me to a different high school than the one I was going to go to….. and it was a night and day difference. It was a good change and I loved going there, but still I had my teenage up and downs. Who didn’t.
Then depression came back and consumed my life in my early 20s. It began when I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband. There are all types of abuse: verbal, emotional, physical, bullying, and so on. I experienced all of these. Some days he would scream at me and tell me how worthless I am and that I am a piss poor mom with no real job that I am just a glorified babysitter and that I will never do anything with my life. At the time I was working for KinderCare Learning Centers as a Center Director. My kids were with me 24/7. They attended the center with me. All of this abuse was happening and everyday, and when I would leave the house for work, I had my smiling face on and robotically went along my day. No one would have known. I was good at covering up the ugliness at home. Physical and emotional.
When you hear something over and over and over….you start to believe it. I felt worthless, not worthy of love, ugly, bad mother, lazy….I was nothing. After a year or so, I remember lying in bed staring at a wall and he was screaming at me again telling me that I was worthless piece of shit and I just stared at the wall. Once he left I felt it in my heart that I needed help. This is when I went to counseling. It helped me gain my voice back and ‘fight’ back in a non-threatening manner so it would not enrage him.
I know you are probably reading this and saying…. Jill?? Really?? Had no voice?? Didn’t stand up for herself?? Let’s just say that because of this, it has made me who I am today. Stronger.
For as long as I can remember, depression has consumed me. I have flashbacks of my past and setbacks with my present life. The flashbacks and setbacks have turned into anxiety. I use to have full-blown panic attacks where I felt like I was going to die. I have learned to over come the panic attacks and know how to stop them before it becomes full blown. I still get panicky and I am thankful that I have a medication that helps with that when I need it.
Because of the previous abuse, another thing I suffer from is the negative chatter in my head. It tells me that I am worthless and nothing and a bad mom and wife. These were the things that I was told over and over. Flashbacks from my previous marriage.
I now believe that this is because of a spiritual attack against me. The devil is smart and knows how to prey on you when you are at your weakest. He catches me when I doubt myself or when I make a mistake. I pray many times ‘God to come into my heart and protect me from my thoughts and the attack on my soul. Lift me up and calm me. Be in my heart Lord and protect it.’
Some days the depression is so bad that I do not want to leave my house.
My husband and I have had a great marriage. We have been married for 11 years. We have had our up and downs. Who hasn’t? But when I feel like I have failed him or the kids the negative chatter begins again. Or when he fails me, I begin to doubt myself and the negative chatter starts again. The negative chatter magnifies the depression.
Even at work….if I feel like I let a co-worker down or if they talk behind my back, the negative chatter starts.
My husband is a good support for me for all of this. He holds me when I’m upset and crying. He gives me words of wisdom. He always tells me how beautiful, and smart, and wonderful, and what a good mother I am. He always tries to build me up. Some days he is successful, some days he is not.
I have shared a lot regarding my secret. My goal is not to let depression consume me or my happiness. I have lost much time feeling alone in this battle. I am ready for change. Change that starts with me telling my depression IT is NOT going to run my life anymore.
There is such a stigma when it comes to mental health. Ironically, I work in a behavioral health hospital and talk with patients everyday with my symptoms and symptoms that are much much worse. My question is, if you broke your leg wouldn’t you go to the hospital to get help and have it fixed? Or if you had a cold, wouldn’t you go to the doctor to get help and get medicine to make it better? So if you are having depression, or panic attacks, or suicidal thoughts…don’t you think you need to go to the doctor? It doesn’t make you crazy. You just need help.
I know others suffer from depression. I know others deal with the negative chatter and self doubts. I am here if anyone would like to talk about it or what you are going thru. I want to be a person to help support those that affected with depression. We can help each other and be support for each other.
The name of the blog is called Happiness Found Within…. My Journey For Bliss.
This is the start of my healing process to help me obtain this goal….by admitting my secrets.