Happiness Found Within

Today was not a good day.  Or maybe is was.  I guess it’s the way you look at it.  You know half glass empty/half glass full kind thing.

Our youngest child  has been struggling the past 2 years at school.  He has been causing disruptions, being goofy, not focusing and being an all round silly kid.  He has always gone to the same school from kindergarten to 4^th grade.  His peers have known jim for 5 years and have accepted him for who he is., which is that lovable, funny kid.  While there, he was also in speech therapy which he started in 1^st grade to help him with his speech issues.

Starting in  3^rd and 4^th grade, the teachers started saying that he was causing disruptions in the classroom and it might need to be addressed.  Our oldest son was diagnosed with ADD in the 5^th grade.  We were seeing similar traits in our youngest son and decided that maybe that it was time to seek help from outside sources to get this nipped in the bud.  The summer after 3^rd grade we decided to take him to a child psychiatrist. After some testing it was determined that our youngest son suffers from ADD and GAD which is general anxiety disorder.  He is a very anxious child and we had no idea that this also was affecting his school behaviors.  Before we left Indiana he was changed from ADD to ADHD.

We started our youngest son on anxiety medication first to get it under control.  The plan was to next start an ADD medication.  We started with a non-stimulant Kapvay.  It worked well, except he could not stay awake.  It made him so sleepy, so then we were on to the next medicine.  With each medication there was a side effect that was too much for him to handle.  I NEVER wanted my child to be a guinea pig.  He didn’t deserve this.

Since we have been in Seattle, he has been trying new meds.  Some made him have palpitations, some gave him upset stomach-aches, some suppressed his eating and so on.  We just want him to be successful.  If the medicine helps control the behaviors and helps him focus better, then we need to do it.  Once our oldest son started taking meds, his grades shot up and he had such success.  We hoped the same for our youngest.

My husband and I always thought that the little man would have the easiest transition with the move.  “He would make friends quick and fit in great”.  Boy, were we wrong.  He has had the hardest transition with this move.  As I said before, he grew up with his old classmates for 5 years.  They knew him and accepted him.  Now he is the outcast and the weird kid.  He instantly started to get bullied.  His classmates were making fun of his speech and his accent (imagine that, we are all told that we have an accent here in Seattle, I guess it’s a Hoosier twang).  His new teacher has been a great resource.  She emails me often and lets us know if situations arise that we need to address and so on.

One of her concerns from early on in the school year is his reading and writing comprehension.  I asked if we could set up a formal evaluation to have him tested.  Mainly for the reading/writing, but also the speech and behaviors. At his old school in Indiana they did not do and IEP for his speech, so the new school would not do speech with him in Washington UNTIL there was an IEP in place.  Something about it being against the law….blah blah blah.  He has missed out on speech since school started.

We had a conference in October with the whole assessment team, the school psychologist, special needs teacher, speech teacher, his teacher and 2 others.  Since he was new to school and there was a list of kids that needed assessments also.

We JUST had a follow up team meeting today to go over all the results.

My youngest son has special needs.  He needs assistance with reading comprehension and writing.  He also will have assistance with speech and behavioral/social issues in the classroom.  The first thing you think is that my child has special needs.  He now has a label.  He is a labeled kid.  It starts the grieving process for losing that part that we thought he was a normal child and will grow up normally through the school years. Now we have a child with special needs.

The teacher also said that he is below average in most areas except for math in which he excels.  In Indiana he was an A/B student.  Maybe Washington has different criteria.  I don’t know.  I just know it’s frustrating.  He also has secluded himself and refuses to work in groups with other kids.  He always asks to go to a common room to work on his schoolwork.  He also makes excuses to go to the office.  He wants to call me.  We have stopped that.  But it’s always, my hip hurts, I don’t feel good, my belly hurts, my jaw hurts, I’m angry and need to lay down.  He is easy to get frustrated and start crying, which is embarrassing for him in front of his peers. All uncommon things for this kid.  It’s just bizarre that these behaviors are happening.

As a mom, I beat myself up that we did not catch this up earlier.  But then I think, we had no idea it was to this extent.  If we would’ve known, we would have started this train rolling earlier.  I wanted his speech nipped in the bud before he was in middle school.  I don’t want him picked on once he enters middle school.  Guess that won’t be happening now.

As soon as we got home, my husband said, ‘Stop it”.  I said, ‘What?’  He said that he knew I was beating myself up for all of this.  And I normally would.  But I knew that this is not my fault.  I always put my kids first.  I always make sure they have what they need to be successful.  So I have to watch myself and not get into that ‘negative chatter’ in my head that it’s my fault.  I won’t let the devil make me doubt myself about this.  I know this is God’s plan for us to follow this path.  I don’t know the reason, but I hope one day it becomes clear.  That’s what God does…things without answers.  I just have to have faith in His timing and His plan.

So now we will be getting his IEP next week.  This will help us help him.  I want to set him up so he is successful in life and able to learn to cope with his diagnoses.

Once this meeting happened today, I took the results to his psychiatrist and she is referring him to be further tested for possible Asperger’s based off of the behaviors that have been seen.  This is only to rule this out as an option.  Again, my husband and I want to help him be successful and get the right therapies and plans in place to help him be successful.

It has been an exhausting day.  I am mentally tapped out.  God will help us and provide us the path to take.  He always follows thru.

Just say a prayer for my family.  It would be appreciated.

I am a Facebook junkie.  I’ll admit it.  Back when I first started with this craze, I played all the games and friended everyone that I knew from my past, old schoolmates, friends, co-workers and so on.

I would post pictures of my family and my husband and I.  I would also post pictures of things I thought were cool or places that we have been.

The one thing I swore I would not do, was make it an outlet for anger, or post something putting someone down to intentionally harm them.

I always try to keep it uplifting or funny.  I do like humor.  Actually, I think I’m hilarious.  So does my husband.  If I could change professions, I would become a comedian.  But that is off topic…. Back to Facebook.

My sister in law found this great article about ‘5 Questions To Ask Before Posting To Social Media’.  This really made me think.  I am guilty of these reasons.  I think we can all admit that we do.   A couple of them struck a chord with me personally.

Am I seeking approval?  Well, here I am writing a blog, and I’m sure people will respond to it once I post it on Facebook.  I’ll admit I love getting the red flag.  I love getting the attention.  I never thought that it might mean I desire community or have a lack of community.

Being a recent transplant to Seattle, I really don’t have any real friends or girl friends, well I think that I have one that is growing into a nice friendship that my husband and I have hung out with her and her boyfriend….but other than her, I have no one.  All of my friends are back home.  But when I was home, I thought I had no friends there….you know, like a girlfriend that you can count on for everything, someone that has your back no matter what.  I had a couple of friendships, but I was stabbed in the back.  Because of that, I closed myself off to making friends.  It was self-preservation from being hurt.  So I thought I was alone.  Once I moved out here, I realized that I had several friends thru our church and some great co-workers and I miss all of them.

Really the only approval we should be seeking is in God.  God is the only one that can fill that void in our lives.

The others that do this are those who post a passive aggressive post that leaves you puzzled because you don’t know what they are talking about.  Some post their dirty laundry online.  Sometimes this dirty laundry is about other members in their household.  Sometimes about their spouse or significant other.  Really?  If that is not a cry for attention, then I don’t know what is.  It is extremely inappropriate.  This is a person you are committed to love and protect and then you post your dirty laundry out there because you are mad?  Not cool.

Am I boasting? Well…..who hasn’t a bragging moment about our kids.  I get proud of them, which parent doesn’t?  What about a promotion that you have been working hard to get, or a new job?  So in a way it’s boasting, but it is also sharing in the glory of showing how proud we are.

The other side of it is showing off.  Look at my vacation.  Look at my body because I’ve been working out. Look at my dinner I’m about to eat (please quit posting pictures of your food).  Look at my plans for the weekend.  Look at my new car, clothes, house, furniture, etc… the list can go on and on.  Sometimes I am guilty of this.  We want to show off what we have or what we are doing to show off.  This is the truth.  The article called it ‘the adult show-and-tell’.  How true.  Again, who are you seeking approval from?  Is it God?  Or social media?

Is it kind?  I will admit that I find most of the someecards HiLaRiOuS!

Most of these are hilarious and make us laugh….but for the wrong reasons.  They are mocking meme’s.  Most are not kind.  They are meant to make fun of others.  People post them because they can relate to then because it’s about something in their life or because it reminds us of someone in our life.  If it were posted about you, wouldn’t you be hurt?  Since we have the freedom of speech, we feel that behind a computer screen we are invincible.  We can comment on anything and criticize whatever anyone wants to post about.  How is that ok?

Is that what Jesus taught us?  John 13:34 says, ‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.’  We need to remember that that the next time our fingers feel the need to type harsh words.  Words hurt.  And they cannot be erased.

Here is the link to the article that my sister in law posted today:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/tech/5-questions-ask-posting-social-media

It’s a good read.

This goes under the topics that are hard for me to admit. No one wants to admit to a flaw. So here it goes.

As in my previous post I said there was a third resolution.

Depression:

I want to conquer my depression.  Actually, I want the depression not to define me anymore.

This is not something I have wanted to talk about.  But here it is.  I have a diagnosis of Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Labels. I have labels. I hate these labels. There are good days and there are bad days.  There are days that have been so dark for me that I felt that I would be better off dead.

It started in middle school.  I was bullied bullied bullied beyond belief.  I would come home crying everyday asking my mom if I could go to a different school.  I was beat up on, books knocked out of my hands, hair pulled, threatened to be beat up, slammed against lockers by my throat.  There were days I wanted to kill myself so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore.  This is when depression entered my life.

My freshman year my mom moved me to a different high school than the one I was going to go to….. and it was a night and day difference.  It was a good change and I loved going there, but still I had my teenage up and downs.  Who didn’t.

Then depression came back and consumed my life in my early 20s.  It began when I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband.  There are all types of abuse: verbal, emotional, physical, bullying, and so on.  I experienced all of these.  Some days he would scream at me and tell me how worthless I am and that I am a piss poor mom with no real job that I am just a glorified babysitter and that I will never do anything with my life.  At the time I was working for KinderCare Learning Centers as a Center Director.  My kids were with me 24/7.  They attended the center with me. All of this abuse was happening and everyday, and when I would leave the house for work, I had my smiling face on and robotically went along my day.  No one would have known.  I was good at covering up the ugliness at home.  Physical and emotional.

When you hear something over and over and over….you start to believe it.  I felt worthless, not worthy of love, ugly, bad mother, lazy….I was nothing.  After a year or so, I remember lying in bed staring at a wall and he was screaming at me again telling me that I was worthless piece of shit and I just stared at the wall.  Once he left I felt it in my heart that I needed help.  This is when I went to counseling.  It helped me gain my voice back and ‘fight’ back in a non-threatening manner so it would not enrage him.

I know you are probably reading this and saying…. Jill??  Really??  Had no voice??  Didn’t stand up for herself??  Let’s just say that because of this, it has made me who I am today.  Stronger.

For as long as I can remember, depression has consumed me.  I have flashbacks of my past and setbacks with my present life.  The flashbacks and setbacks have turned into anxiety.  I use to have full-blown panic attacks where I felt like I was going to die.  I have learned to over come the panic attacks and know how to stop them before it becomes full blown.  I still get panicky and I am thankful that I have a medication that helps with that when I need it.

Because of the previous abuse, another thing I suffer from is the negative chatter in my head.  It tells me that I am worthless and nothing and a bad mom and wife.  These were the things that I was told over and over.  Flashbacks from my previous marriage.

I now believe that this is because of a spiritual attack against me.  The devil is smart and knows how to prey on you when you are at your weakest.  He catches me when I doubt myself or when I make a mistake.   I pray many times ‘God to come into my heart and protect me from my thoughts and the attack on my soul.  Lift me up and calm me.  Be in my heart Lord and protect it.’

Some days the depression is so bad that I do not want to leave my house.

My husband and I have had a great marriage.  We have been married for 11 years.  We have had our up and downs.  Who hasn’t?  But when I feel like I have failed him or the kids the negative chatter begins again.  Or when he fails me, I begin to doubt myself and the negative chatter starts again.  The negative chatter magnifies the depression.

Even at work….if I feel like I let a co-worker down or if they talk behind my back, the negative chatter starts.

My husband is a good support for me for all of this.  He holds me when I’m upset and crying.  He gives me words of wisdom.  He always tells me how beautiful, and smart, and wonderful, and what a good mother I am.  He always tries to build me up.  Some days he is successful, some days he is not.

I have shared a lot regarding my secret.  My goal is not to let depression consume me or my happiness.  I have lost much time feeling alone in this battle.  I am ready for change.  Change that starts with me telling my depression IT is NOT going to run my life anymore.

There is such a stigma when it comes to mental health.  Ironically, I work in a behavioral health hospital and talk with patients everyday with my symptoms and symptoms that are much much worse.  My question is, if you broke your leg wouldn’t you go to the hospital to get help and have it fixed?  Or if you had a cold, wouldn’t you go to the doctor to get help and get medicine to make it better?  So if you are having depression, or panic attacks, or suicidal thoughts…don’t you think you need to go to the doctor?  It doesn’t make you crazy.  You just need help.

I know others suffer from depression.  I know others deal with the negative chatter and self doubts.  I am here if anyone would like to talk about it or what you are going thru.  I want to be a person to help support those that affected with depression.  We can help each other and be support for each other.

The name of the blog is called Happiness Found Within…. My Journey For Bliss.

This is the start of my healing process to help me obtain this goal….by admitting my secrets.

I hate New Year’s resolutions.  No one ever follows thru with them.  Well maybe some people do.  But this year I decided to make a couple…

1. Financially get it together.  We have had too many mishaps and many misfortunes this past year.   We lost $29,000 on our house in Indiana.   All of our profits.  We had to get rid of the house and had to keep dropping the price….for a loss.  We were struggling making both rent and mortgage payment after the move.  It was the equivalent of 3 house payments because housing is so much more expensive in Seattle.  Money we counted on.  Gone…

Because of the move we racked up the credit cards and we were planning on paying them off with the profits of the house.  So, now we are doing our best to make the payments and work on a solid financial plan for our family.

We have one kid starting college this fall and another next fall.   Their father has shown no interest in helping to pay for any of their college costs, so it will fall all on Jon and myself.   Ouch.

Let’s just say, I was SO glad 2013 was over.  It was a financial nightmare for us.  But we are survivors.

Financial Peace University here we come.  Look into it.  By Dave Ramsey.  You’ll thank yourself.

http://www.daveramsey.com/get-started/

2. I’m going to get in shape and lose a few pounds. I am TOTALLY being cliché by saying this .  (insert eye roll)  I know this sounds vain, but my 20-year high school reunion is coming up this summer and I want to look better than I look now.  (OMG MY 20-YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION – how am I old enough for this??)

I don’t think I have changed terribly that much.  Most women put on a few pounds.  Especially after having kids.  There are some super hero women that just poof, and they are back to their original body type.  I am not one of those women.

I have tried the P90X the past week, and all I can say is that every muscle in my body hurts.  Ones I didn’t even know I had.

With the stress of moving here, I found comfort in food.  I hope to lose the weight I gained with the stress eating, One day at a time.  I will prevail.

3. The third one I will talk about next in the next blog.

Here’s to a Happy New Year to you and your families.  May it be the best year yet.  I already know this year will be the best.  I have faith that God will help provide what we need…He is always faithful and He will show us the path to take.  He has been placing these 3 resolutions on my heart.  It’s time to follow His plan.