Guilt. Just pure guilt.

Guilt.  What an ugly word.

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Since we have moved to Seattle I have had this horrible feeling of guilt.  Why would someone that moved to an awesome place feel guilty about it.  Well, as a mom I have been hit hard.

I feel as though I have pulled the kids from their lives in Fort Wayne.  The amount of guilt I feel for my two teenagers could fill an ocean.  My oldest is a senior this year.  I moved my kid when he was a senior…  What horrible mother pulls their kid away from all of their friends and plans they had with their friends and plans?

My daughter is a junior.  What mother pulls their kid who was in an activity that she LOVED LOVED LOVED?  She loved color guard…and moving out here we thought, ‘oh their should be marching bands and guards here at the high schools, it’s a common thing’.  Guess what?  It’s not.  She has lost part of her identity with this move.

My youngest son, which we thought would be the easiest since he was young he would make friends easy….but he has had it pretty hard too.  He doesn’t fit in and is picked on because he has an ‘accent’ and a speech issue.  What a horrible mother I am.  I took him from the only school he knew and all of his friends.  Now we are dealing an IEP for his areas that need more attention to help in the areas of reading comprehension and writing which are below grade level and also some social skills and a few behavior modifications.  I am sure that at his old school, the kids accepted him for who he was because he grew up with him for 5 years.  Now as the new kid he is the weirdo and tries to be the class clown to get attention and hopes it helps him make friends, which it has not.

Pure guilt.

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I feel so much guilt for ruining their lives.  Just writing this it makes me teary because why couldn’t God wait 2 years for this move.  Then the high-schoolers would be able to graduate with their friends.

I thought about leaving my oldest behind so he could be with this friends.  How hard would it be to parent your kid 2200 miles away.  Especially the one child that can be ornery.  I know he is depressed.  He misses his buddies in Indiana.  And his girlfriend is in LA.  That’s one thing that he has at least…. they are on the same coast.

But still I caused this.

My daughter is missing out on all the band and guard stuff and her friends keep her in the loop, which adds to her depression.  I know she is depressed.  She barely comes out of her room and watches shows on her tablet all day long.

I caused that.

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I know I say ‘I’ did this.  I take this personally.  I know that my husband and I made this decision together, I know he feels the same guilt that I do.  But as a mom, I take it personally.  It’s that momma bear instinct.  I need to protect them and not cause them pain.  But I did.  I let my kids down.

I. Let. Them. Down.

I just hope that one day they forgive me and see the big picture of all of this.  I know that God sent us here .  He always has a reason.  My wish is that they can see this.

I just don’t know if I will ever shake this feeling of guilt.  This has played a HUGE role into my depression.  This has brought many many tears.  I have cried countless times over my guilt.  It eats at me.  So as I am on this ride to overcome my depression, I also have to overcome this guilt.

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Moving across country is a huge change.  Duh.  But as my counselor put it, it also causes you to go into mourning.  Over the loss of our friends, house, family, kid’s lives and so on.  Once I can work on this part then I can start moving pass it.

I know that I have to give these feelings to God and let him tackle them for me.  He is the one that can help me remove these feelings.  He can fill the hole that needs love and understanding.  Understanding that I am not in control, and that I have to let go and let God, as they say.  It is easier said than done.  I am human, trying to grow in my faith and I battle between the two daily.

Again, the fight between myself and my depression.  When will it stop?

What is it that make you feel guilty as a mom/dad?

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